Visitin'

I visited my current instructor's high school today. She's the principal of the alternative high school in one of the local districts. So awesome. Quite honestly, why do things the old fashioned way when the alternative seems like so much more fun for both the teachers and the students? Pshaw.

Tomorrow I'm heading the other direction - visiting the french teacher at the local Catholic high school. So... from alternative public school to conservative private school. Opposite ends of the spectrum, so to speak. I should figure out what questions I want to ask her. And maybe I should practice my French a bit more, as well. Sigh. My spoken is still decent. It's the written that has slipped. Sliiiiiippppppeddd way far away from where I need it to be. But I'm working on it.

Update

So, I survived our 14 mile bike ride on Sunday... felt great while we were out there but almost fell asleep in the middle of dinner. My body just quit. Splat. Kaput. And after a 30 minute nap I felt just fine. Except for my butt - I swear I could still feel the imprint of the seat until last night.

I'd be more chatty and stuff, but I have a major presentation to prepare for tomorrow's class on ESL assessment in schools. Interesting subject - a path I might explore someday soon.

Once a slacker...

Not always slacker. I haven't been online as much lately for two reasons. One, I'm working for the temp agency now. Thank goodness - no longer hemorrhaging money. And two, I've been spending most of my free time in the library (working on relearning all the french I've forgotten) or in the gym (trying to lose my pudgebaby before the end of July - wedding to go to and a dress I'd like to wear...).

So I'm a lot healthier, and I'm discovering that most of what I've lost is how to conjugate irregular verbs. Damn those irregular verbs.

Re the work situation... I am soooo glad this assignment only lasts 7 days. The guy I'm working with obviously doesn't usually work with other people. He's not mean or rude or anything. Quite the contrary - he won't shut up and he repeats himself constantly. And I can't ignore him or he will just keep on repeating himself until I respond. The work itself is easy. I open the packages from the credit unions, sort their paperwork to make sure we have all the correct reports and the data tape, find the file from the previous year, enter all the data into the computer, fax a confirmation of receipt to the appropriate credit union, and load the tape into the computer downstairs. This takes about half of a half of my concentration. My little friend, however, seems to think this is terribly complex and keeps asking me if I am okay. He doesn't want to be mean, doesn't want to be a slavedriver, doesn't want to overwhelm me...

That said, it is kind of nice to do something mindless for a little while. No phones ringing that I have to answer, no angry people asking to talk to me, no employees whining for help with every little thing... yeah, I need a break from that sort of thing.

Evidentally, a few more people are leaving the hotel. Hah. Key people dropping out every which way. Ran into one of the room service guys at the liquor store right before his shift. Picking up a bottle of Stoli... to drink at work? I didn't ask. The front desk's interdepartmental relations have broken down quite a bit since I've been gone, from what I hear. Kind of sad, but kind of gratifying, too. heh heh.

Alrighty - going biking with Jay. Hopefully I'll add some color to my pale and pasty white legs. Eeek.

Thank you, kerriberri

Just a public thank you to my babiest sister who bailed me out of my homework problem yesterday. I had to interview 3 highschool students about crucial issues in their lives. Not yet being a teacher, I don't have ready access to teenagers without being creepy, so I was sort of stressing over that part of the assignment -- because naturally I hadn't even looked at it until the day before it was due (because I was out of town, granted). And then I remembered! I know high school students! Or a high school student. Ms. Kerri Kathryn, younger sister extraordinaire.

She and her nice little boyfriend the Gregmeister tolerated my questions, even though I was apparently interrupting a belching contest... you go, girl!

So what do high school kids worry about in my old neighborhood? 1. Getting fat 2. Failing their classes 3. the war

Not so different from what some of my friends worry about.

The end of the break

Got back last night from my weekend away - my postponed Grand Canyon trip. For the most part, I was a lazy bum. I didn't hike to the bottom because I knew I'd be in massive pain driving home and also because most of the people I knew at Phantom are no longer there. So I drove down to Flagstaff for a day and walked along the rim and found a nice sunny spot to sit and read and banish the paleness of my face and arms. All in all, a worthwhile trip for me.

But now I must get down to business. In other words - I need to be working again. The two weeks off was lovely, but if I let myself drift any longer, I might not be able to get back on track as easily. Blech.

So... enough screwing around in front of the computer today. I must get cleaned up and presentable and call the temp people and go to the bank and pay for my next class and... and... and. Staying here in front of the computer sounds like a better idea though. In the short run, of course.

Unfortunately, I'm off to be responsible. Gah.

Duh

So I've been really pissy with Jay lately and I haven't really understood why I'm so irritated with him. Yeah, with me not working right now we're just seeing a lot more of each other, and that takes some adjustment... but it's more than that. So what is it?

Now that I don't have the distractions of hating my job, I realize how stuck I feel here. Like, if it were only me I had to consider, I would totally be in the car heading either down to AZ or back the hell East. But I'm tied here because Jay has three more years until he finishes his PhD. Mind you, staying with him here was not even a choice I had to consider twice. I think, very simply, that he is stuck with me for a very very very long long long time.

So pretty much, I'm going to have to find a way to get over this. I mean, when I get pissy and start bitching about how everything in our lives is about him, I think I need to take a step back and explain that us being in Utah is about him. That, yes, I chose to be here. So, no, I don't have a right to complain. But unfortunately, we can't always control how we feel and if I let this resentment keep building it's going to seriously f**k us up. And that would be very very very baaaad.

Solutions? Hmmm. I think I need to build more of a life here for myself besides Jay and school. I need friends who are my friends first, instead of a bunch of people who I like but who knew me as Jay's girlfriend before they knew my name. I need to do more than read and study and work out and eat and sleep. I'm restless and I'm starting to bore myself.

However, I have gotten in some quality reading time. Wanna see?

In the last week:
J.D. Robb - Naked in Death, Glory in Death, and Immortal in Death
Jennifer Crusie - Manhunting and Welcome to Temptation
Holly Lisle - The Wreck of Heaven
Katherine Neville - The Eight
Laurell K. Hamilton - Caress of Twilight

In the two weeks before that, I'd gotten through:

Dan Simmons's Hyperion Series, Barbara Kingsolver's Prodigal Summer, Jennifer Crusie's Fast Women, and Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum novels 1 through 5. Those I read toally out of order, of course - picked up the newest one Hard Eight and worked my way backwards from there. Grandma cracks me up.

So I think I need to cut back on the reading and start paying attention to the world around me again. Just maybe.

Unemployed

And so happy. At least for now. If I have more trouble than anticipated with the temping thing, maybe then I won't be so happy. But for now... bliss.

Had to postpone the GC trip for a week -- too much school stuff to get done before next Thursday to be traipsing off south. Alas. I imagine the place will still be there next week, though.

On the subject of Daves...

So I was reading this blog, Styrofoamkitty, in which the author mentions poor Dave experiences. So rings a bell. As I thought about the Daves I have known - only one in the biblical sense, swear - and every single one of them is kind of screwy. One cheated on all his girlfriends (one of whom was my friend and another who was my xcountry ski instructor... hello, awkward situation?), another is super anal (yet adorable in a I'd never go there sort of way) and conservative and just all around uptight and pissed off, another is with this chick who makes me crazy so there must be something wrong with him... just haven't put my finger on it yet.

But the main Dave - the David I obsessed over for way too long (like 4 years, okay?) - I have to say that though he really did a number on me, I learned a hell of a lot from the experience. I learned that being "in love" makes you stupid and blind and willing to overlook a lot of stuff that shouldn't be overlooked. I learned that a guy who doesn't like himself much won't appreciate the fact that you like him a lot. (Though, I confess, I made this mistake again briefly.) I learned not to believe everything that a guy told me when he was in the throws of yet another life crisis. I learned that sometimes it doesn't matter how much you love a person - sometimes it's not going to work out anyway. Most importantly, I learned that if I'm not good at being happy on my own, then I'm pretty well f**ked. Because being miserable unless someone else is around and paying attention to you SUCKS. SUCKS. SUCKS. It's a sucky way to live.

And that, folks, is why I think wedding ceremonies that emphasize putting someone else's needs and wants ahead of your own all the time is freaking stupid and a total recipe for disaster. So not smart.

And with that thought, I am going to go check on my highlights before the fumes make me pass out. It's time to be blonder again. Ha!

Still here

I've just been in a reading phase - 4 books a week. It would be more, but I have other things to do, like working, showering, talking to Jay... I also have a lot to say but my mind is feeling mushy and I can't quite put it all together.

I have two more shifts remaining at the hotel. Tonight and Wednesday night. Friday morning I'm going to head down to the Grand Canyon to visit with the remnants of my old crew down there and also to get in some good highway therapy. Honestly, driving along at 65+ mph for extended periods of time relaxes me big time. If the weather cooperates, I may even take the hike down to Phantom. Phantom Ranch, that is. At the bottom of the Canyon.

I still don't have a job. I turned down the receptionist position at Youth Care because I don't think I really want to hop back into a full time job right away. I don't think the 9-5 gig would go well with student teaching in the fall either.

Alrighty - I really must run - too many errands overdue. BUT I intend to speak soon on the subject of the name Dave and why men named Dave or David should be avoided in most cases... it's an old story, but still valid in this day and age. Ha.

Another reason to stay...in SLC

Not at the hotel! Did you think I'd lost my mind? Hah!

No, I was cruising blogs, and one of the blogs I read links to Neil Gaiman's blog. Since he was just in Salt Lake last weekend, I thought I would check it out and see how he liked the new biblio-palace. Evidently, he found it way cool. His description is pretty accurate. If you're interested click on Neil Gaiman's Blog and scroll down to the March 8th entries.

It is a damn sweet library and I can't wait to have more free time so I can establish my own fortress on the second floor. I mean, an art gallery, a 4 storey stacked fire place, coffee shop, comic store, ethernet pugs ins on the desks...

I still think this is weird state, but they give good library

I just want out!

Why in the world did I say I would stay for 3 weeks to help with training? Why? What in the world was I thinking? Aaagghhh!!! Every day I want to kill her more. Her being that creature who they tell me is my boss but who can't possibly be because she is so ignorant.

She doesn't ask questions, she makes demands. She doesn't pass on information, but tells me that I am the source of the problem because I don't communicate with her. She has great plans for the front desk, but they'll never come to pass because no one respects her.

On the up side... 12 more shifts and it will no longer be my problem.

Also - I got a great birthday package from the family this week. Girl Scout cookies, chocolates from my other family in France (host family from 1996 study abroad), a couple books, a teddy bear, some comfy clothes, and the cutest picture of me and my baby sister - she must be about 2 years old which would make me about 12 or 13. She's leaning on me as we watch TV and her little baby belly's hanging out and she sucking her thumb. Oddly enough, her other hand is not on her belly button, which is how she spent most of her toddler years: one thumb in her mouth with her index finger curled over her nose and the other index finger stuck in her belly button.

Such a cute baby she was.

But thank goodness for my baby sisters. Got to know the reality of babies early. Still want them, just not in so much of a hurry, if you know what I mean.

Bleccchhh

I feel miserable. My head is stuffed. I'm coughing. And I get to go to work tonight and explain to people why we have no rooms for them since the sales department oversold us by 34 rooms.

14 more shifts and I am rid of the place. Consensus says that the front desk will crumble without me. I disagree, but I think it's going to go back to super high turnover rate and our service levels will plummet. Boom. Crash.

But that's not my concern any more. Thank god.

I did it!

I put in my two weeks notice this morning. Scary, since I don't have anything lined up yet. But it felt sooooo good. Soooo good. I can't explain how good it felt. But it felt really good. hee hee!

Words fail me

I'm so disappointed with the way things went at work today, I can't even wrap my mind around it. I gave my list of things that I was hearing and seeing at work with the new "boss" to HR yesterday. She promised to get back to me before the end of the day. Well... she came in after I did and left before I did, so she never did get back to me.

Today when I came in to work, I was dragged into a "little meeting" with J&J and HR. J1 let me know that it's not my place to tell Joyce what her job is, nor how she should do it. I should support her because she needs me to. The problem is... and I think this might be the key to it... J2 (the pseudoboss) does not listen. I told her that when I let her know about a problem, I don't want to hear 50 excuses as to why that problem is not taken care of, or why it exists in the first place - I only want to hear "thanks, I'll take care of it". I think she might have almost understood what I was talking about.

However, I'm still keeping an eye out for other jobs. I sent out one resume/cover letter for a job listed in the paper. I haven't heard back, but it's only been 2 days.

I'm not going to jump without something better to jump to, though. I'm still at the point where I can be picky about my next job. Things aren't that bad. I suppose. I just feel very disrespected and dismissed. I'm extremely disappointed with today's "meeting". I acted as I thought was right. I only regret that I forgot that HR works for the company and not for the employees. Oops. Won't make that mistake again.

Anyway. Bedtime.

In my family... we don't say "bipolar", we say "moody".

I come from a long line of moody people. Shall we say.

I've been scraping bottom for a couple weeks now and I finally seem to have rebounded to a manic high. Which can be as scary as the lows, because at least during the lows I manage to keep a solid grip on who I am and what I'm doing here. Here, as in "on the planet Earth". The manic highs seem to have an eerie dissociative property to them. However, I'm going to combat them this time by going to the mall, mailing my Karlyn's birthday present (only a week late!!), and spending more money. Yay!

Thank god there's only 9 days left in this month. I don't think I could survive many more. And still, I'm revving here... by brain chemistry is fun-ky. Funky. But I'm okay with that. Today.

Make a fricking decision!!! Okay. Let me just say that I appreciate working with different personality types and alternative thinkers and whatnot through my school stuff. What I do not appreciate is working with people who cannot make a single stupid decision without second and third and fourth guessing themselves. As soon as I think we've reached a consensus -- about where and when to meet for our group work -- I'll get another email or voice mail saying, "oh, well, or we could do this instead - let me know!" And then, I get a listing of 4 different phone numbers where she might be when I get a chance to try to track her down. Does she not understand how this is driving me crazy?? Does she have so little faith in herself or does she just drink too much coffee. No - she drinks lattes. Must be dairy poisoning.

I know she understands that she's pissing me off, but she doesn't understand why. Like last time we met, she had left me a voicemail message saying that since no one had emailed her back that night about our meeting (we had agreed on a time and place at the last class) she was so tired that she would assume that we were not meeting. When did I get this message? At 1:30am after I got home from work. We were to meet at 9am. Tired? Tired? Fuck, woman. I'll show you tired. So when she wasn't there at 9:10, we called her at home. Fortunately, she showed 5 minutes later. Tired as I was, I suppose I was less than gracious and/or coherent. So later that night she sent me an "apology" email -- the kind where she writes that she's sorry but does it in such a way that shows that she thinks I'm the one who's being unreasonable. Yeah. Classic passive-agressive Junior High.

Got a problem. Tell me about it. I'm a good listener, but I won't hold your hand. I expect that sort of behavior from children and teenagers. Once you make it to your mid-late twenties, I expect a certain level of maturity. Which is probably my first problem, eh? How many 40 year olds do I work with who haven't mastered those basic abilities? You just don't want to know.

Maybe I should change the name of this page to "Kate Rants and Raves". Ah well. I'm in a better mood just for writing it down. And that's why I put this thing together in the first place. Ciao!

How close is too close? I'm always suspicious of people who are too dependent on one other person for everything. I suppose that's related to my basic mistrust of human beings (feeling cynical today, bear with me). Friendships or "relationships" that are the primary focus in a person's life just seem like set-ups for imminent disappointment. I mean, who can sustain that kind of one-on-one devotion to another person? I can't imagine. I don't care how compatible two people are, one person cannot fulfill every need of another. People are far too complex for that to work.

What guides my thoughts in this direction? Two male friends of mine -- roommates who have lived together for a year now -- are in a sort of "breakup" situation. After being constant companions, cooking for each other, providing intelligent conversation and musical accompaniment, one has begun to branch out his interests... interests involving women. The other has admitted that he feels a jealousy and sense of abandonment. As a clarification, the guys are "just" friends - no real sexual element to the friendship. I'm reminded of my relationship with my college roommate. She and I were thrown together by chance freshman year and chose to stick together for the rest of the time. We spent nearly all of our free time together, talking long into the night, sharing books and music and opinions. This until well into our sophomore year. Then, I started an outside relationship with a member of the opposite sex. And worse, I left for a term abroad, leaving her with a stranger for a roommate. When I returned, things had changed -- I wasn't sure how to fix them, and honestly, I didn't notice for a while, because I was tied up with boys and exploring that shtuff...hmmm. Anyway, I have to wonder if she felt betrayed by that defection of mine -- ending our days of close companionship by introducing an outside element. I don't know for sure. I've never really asked. Maybe I don't feel like I have that right anymore.

There's always a sense of loss to a major change in a relationship - whether a traditional sort of breakup, or "just" an alteration to a close friendship. I certainly don't have any solutions.

On a brighter note, I did do some writing work today -- put down some world-building on the rules of magic for my book which will need to be rewritten. I've decided that the whole thing will probably benefit from a total rewrite versus my just opening the existing files and making alterations. With the cut and paste option, it's hard not to abuse it.

Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown Yes, the English translation of a Spanish movie, but also my state of mind. Actually, I think I'm on the upswing again -- the breakdown came yesterday morning in the HR office at work. To my credit, I did manage to get one complete sentence out before bursting into tears. Ah well - I made my needs known and I'm getting results, even if it did come about in a totally undignified manner.

I have decided that I don't have enough brain power left over after writing papers for class and writing here and writing at work... or at least not enough writing power... so I bought a small sketch diary and will take out my creative urges in doodling. I need to be doing *something* creative or I will lose what remains of my mind.

And now, I will turn my creativity to dreaming all night. Or at least until 6:10am when my alarm will go off.

Two in one week? Gasp! I'm quite shocked, finding myself back here before a week has passed. Well... maybe not shocked after all. I've been itching to get to writing again. This, despite the fact that I have absolutely no time to do so. Unless I quit reading 3 books a week and all those webblogs and the ebay listings and the Sunday Comics and crossword puzzle... but we all know that's just not going to happen. So what I think I will do is start sketching out what I want to write, so that when I do force myself to take some time, I will not just stare blankly at the screen for hours on end.

Deceptively simple little plan. Sigh. I'd like to make it work, but I still haven't gotten around to digging up my OS 9 so I can access all my writing from the last 3 years. Which, by the way, includes a 125,000 word fantasy novel and 30,000 words on a... I guess suspense thriller is the best catagory for it, but since it is mine it includes a wee smidge of slapstick and plain old in-your-face absurdity. I miss them, but I am stuck.

More thoughts on the new boss: My old boss says he thinks she will last 3 weeks. I have a slightly varying opinion. I think she will last two months in her current state and then will either mellow the frik out or will run screaming from our evident mediocrity. I still don't like her. I'm not sure it's possible to like her. No one else in the building can stand her. I know this because they all told me. I do'nt even have to ask. They come up, ask "So, what you you think of your new boss?" and I say, "I don't know yet, but..." and they just jump right in with what they think. And it ain't good. No sireebob. I talked to Jen, my boss's boss, about my doubts. She said that "J" had a lot of energy and we'd milk it for as long as possible. I think that Jen may have doubts as well. I understand that there weren't a lot of qualified applicants, so it may have been a case of chosing the lesser of many evils.

All I have to say is - We Shall See.

First Impressions: So... met the new boss yesterday. First impressions? I came in the office, she failed to make eye contact and did not say hello. Second impression? She called me Katie. I am never Katie. Okay, well, for maybe 3 people I am Katie, but they get special dispensations because they know me and they are just plain silly enough to be able to get away with it. People who do not know me never get to call me Katie. It's simply not done. Also, when I corrected her, she did not apologize.

This does not bode well. Perhaps I'm being difficult because I don't like the idea of working for a woman. Does that seem odd? Most of my upper level bosses are women, and that's fine. But to work directly for a woman doesn't sit well with me. Why is that? Maybe because men are generally more straightforward than women. Women bosses tend to have something to prove, whereas men tend to be more comfortable with the idea that they have a right to be in charge. I have a lot of people tell me that I think and act more like a man than a woman at work... and at other things, I guess. Why? I don't play games. I always say what I think. I don't take anything too personally... (Except someone disrespecting me by calling me by the diminutive without explicit permission).

I'm not overly interested in a power struggle, and I feel like the new boss lady sees me as a threat to whatever new things she wants to introduce. I'm not, I just want and deserve some respect because I do know my way around the place and I've outlasted 5 other co-managers. I've also trained 3 of those managers, and will no doubt be training the two new ones. Ignoring me and then getting my name wrong is not going to make that more pleasant for either of us.

To give her the benefit of the doubt, it was her first day -- she'd met about 50 other people and toured the property all day before she finally met me. I can understand if she were too tired or burnt to focus by that time. So we'll see how she does on her third impression. Can't wait. Right.

Ahhhhh, Vino: Drinking and Americans: Admittedly, my observations these days are a wee bit wonky due to the fact that I live in freaking Mormon Central where most of the inhabitants don't drink at all. The rest of the non-Mormons drink a bit more than normal as a consequence... so I either see people stonecoldsober/on a sugar high from too much soda, or slobbering, puking drunk. Have they none of them heard of a Happy Medium????? Oops, I'm ranting again...

Part of the reason that we American Heathens do have only a glass of wine with dinner in restaurants instead of a full bottle is, 1: the drive home (leave home without the car, what?) 2: increasing penalties for drinking and driving 3: the fact that restaurants here more than double the price of the bottle... my favorite Chianti is $19 in store ($15 back east) and $40-50/bottle in the restaurant (when they have it) 4: wine lists around here are...hmmm... the word pathetic comes to mind.

When I travelled in Italy, we wouldn't have dreamed of not having a bottle of the house wine with dinner. But there, the house wine is actually drinkable, tasty even, rather than a vinegary melange of bitter grape juice. Excuse me while I float back to memories of warm nights passed outside some restaurant near the campo... food, wine, espresso, and marlboro lights. Back when I used to smoke, that is. Cappucino only in the morning, but 1pm counts if you've only just gotten out of bed. Espresso and a cigarette for lunch, a little... nap... in the afternoon, an evening walk, and then browsing the restaurants for dinner. In the evenings, sometimes a foray to the corner pub for a Chimay blue. Damn but that was an awesome two weeks.

Anyway... the folks back East tend to have more european patterns when it comes to eating and drinking... well, at least to drinking. Here in the West, especially California, the health patrol seems to have gotten the best of the general population's tendencies toward vice, and so... while many of us have well-stocked liquor cabinets and wine cellars at home, drinking in public has become less common.

Damn, and now I'm craving a smoke... American Spirit was my brand right before I quit 2 years ago... that or Bali Shag roll-em yourselves. Evil, evil memories. Mmmmmmm.