home again, home again?
At least where home is for another 3 weeks. I started packing today... and already have made a few random finds - either "what the heck is this?" or "so that's where that went". My stack of clothes that will not be making the trip with us is getting much larger as well.
We found a place to live - yay! It's not ideal, but it's certainly good enough. It's a one bedroom apartment over a garage - no neighbors under or over us - with the bedroom in what would otherwise be the attic. Hopefully the sloping ceiling won't make us too crazy. Might be better if it weren't painted dark red... but hey, I'm not really complaining.
We also have a full-sized refrigerator, a gas stove, a wood stove in the living room, and since the place usually comes fully furnished we also get a big TV with DVD player. So my little 13 incher can go into storage for the time being. The clincher for this place, though, was the deck and big back yard with the path leading to the ultimate frisbee field and the trail system complete with swimming hole. Jay will be able to bike to school when the weather is good, though he might not want to when the weather is very warm. Stickiness - ick.
The lady we're renting from lives in the house up front. She teaches math at one of the private high schools and also at the college. And oddly enough, happens to sideline as a wedding planner. One stop shopping, so to speak. She lives with a big lab mix (part bear, maybe - BIG dog) named Max and he's part of the reason that we got the place. Evidently, the other couple who had looked at the apartment had two smaller dogs, and Max didn't much care for them. So perhaps it's just as well that we decided to hold off on the dog issue.
We also took precedence over two women who were wanting to rent the place because, as Doreen put it, it's really meant for one person or a couple. Just gets ugly with two guys or two girls... well, unless they're a couple, of course.
I think that was when Jay and I realized that we were no longer in Utah.
Like Utah, everyone was extremely polite and friendly. Very helpful and welcoming. However, instead of being the result of Church influence, it's because you can't afford to be rude in a town that small. It'll be an adjustment, but not as difficult a one as some people seem to think. Of course, I still don't think I'd want to spend the rest of my life there. But a handful of years might be fun.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
the search is on
Tomorrow morning, we hop a flight to Manchester, NH and from there we'll drive up to the NEK (that's North East Kingdom, Vermont also known as BFE - and you'll have to figure that acronym out for yourselves.) The object? Find a place to live. And, also, attend some wedding in New Hampshire on Saturday. But mostly, I'm interested in the finding a place to live part.
We've got four places lined up to look at, and hopefully one of those will be both livable and within our budget. It doesn't have to be perfect; buying a house is on next year's agenda, so wherever we live, it will be more temporary than most places I've lived since college.
OH - and, yes, Jay's PhD defense was yesterday, and YES, he survived. Mostly. One of his committee members... well, some of his commentary afterwards seemed like a "mine is bigger than yours, so there" kind of thing. And generally, I think the man is just not a happy guy. But as one of the other students put it: critical is good, but there's no need to be an asshole. But Jay got enough signatures to pass, though he needs to do more revision work than he hoped. So it will still be another 2 to 6 months before the Doctor Jay is official. Fortunately, it doesn't affect the job in Vermont much. Minor salary difference is all.
In the meantime, I recently had an encounter with a person who reminded me of an important lesson I learned that had a rather large impact on my attitude toward life... or perhaps it was just representative of my pigheadedness at an early age. I don't have time to do the story justice tonight, but I'll post when I get back on the 4th. Anyone else have any formative experiences in the pre- "age of reason" years?
Tomorrow morning, we hop a flight to Manchester, NH and from there we'll drive up to the NEK (that's North East Kingdom, Vermont also known as BFE - and you'll have to figure that acronym out for yourselves.) The object? Find a place to live. And, also, attend some wedding in New Hampshire on Saturday. But mostly, I'm interested in the finding a place to live part.
We've got four places lined up to look at, and hopefully one of those will be both livable and within our budget. It doesn't have to be perfect; buying a house is on next year's agenda, so wherever we live, it will be more temporary than most places I've lived since college.
OH - and, yes, Jay's PhD defense was yesterday, and YES, he survived. Mostly. One of his committee members... well, some of his commentary afterwards seemed like a "mine is bigger than yours, so there" kind of thing. And generally, I think the man is just not a happy guy. But as one of the other students put it: critical is good, but there's no need to be an asshole. But Jay got enough signatures to pass, though he needs to do more revision work than he hoped. So it will still be another 2 to 6 months before the Doctor Jay is official. Fortunately, it doesn't affect the job in Vermont much. Minor salary difference is all.
In the meantime, I recently had an encounter with a person who reminded me of an important lesson I learned that had a rather large impact on my attitude toward life... or perhaps it was just representative of my pigheadedness at an early age. I don't have time to do the story justice tonight, but I'll post when I get back on the 4th. Anyone else have any formative experiences in the pre- "age of reason" years?
Friday, June 24, 2005
Mawwiage
My high school AP US History teacher, Mr. Oskey, used to tell us how he met his wife and fifteen minutes into their first date proceeded to ask her to marry him. Six weeks later, they were hitched. Pure insanity, right? Well, maybe not. At the time of the telling, they had been married for over twenty years and had three children. The rush had to do with Mr. Oskey's pending overseas posting with the Army.
My parents were a more standard case, I think. Except for the 16 year (okay, 15 and a HALF) year age difference. They met in 1972 (my mom graduated from high school in 1971), married in 1974, and had me in 1976 and then my brother in 1978. After that, of course, their every 2 year life change schedule sort of broke down. Though they did move into our house in 1980. So let's just say that the 80s and 90s were a mess. Big time.
Jay and I met 4 years ago. Let's just say that we do not intend to wait 2 years to start having hairless monkeys of our own. Mostly because I'll be 30 next year and I don't want to be like my grandmother and keep having babies until I'm 46. (Mostly because I'd like a shot at knowing my own grandchildren, eh?)
This pace has suited me just fine. In fact, when I hear about some of our friends who have been together a lot less time than Jay and I, I tend to have the "what? didn't they just meet?" reaction. Some examples: one friend (female) still dating several people in May of 2003. By July of 2003 is functionally moved in with one of these boys. Six months later, they are engaged. Two months later: married. Crazy. Another friend (male): starts dating girl with newborn last spring. three months later she is pregnant again. They are married by February and now have a baby girl together as well as one that "came with". Seriously crazy.
On the other end of the spectrum, Jay was in a wedding in 2003 for a couple who had been together for 9 years, engaged for 7. They went to college togther but then their grad school plans didn't mesh, so they lived separately for several years. My understanding is they want to start trying for kids in the next year or so. So that's the other side of the extremes I've witnessed.
Experiences? Comments? Boredom?
My high school AP US History teacher, Mr. Oskey, used to tell us how he met his wife and fifteen minutes into their first date proceeded to ask her to marry him. Six weeks later, they were hitched. Pure insanity, right? Well, maybe not. At the time of the telling, they had been married for over twenty years and had three children. The rush had to do with Mr. Oskey's pending overseas posting with the Army.
My parents were a more standard case, I think. Except for the 16 year (okay, 15 and a HALF) year age difference. They met in 1972 (my mom graduated from high school in 1971), married in 1974, and had me in 1976 and then my brother in 1978. After that, of course, their every 2 year life change schedule sort of broke down. Though they did move into our house in 1980. So let's just say that the 80s and 90s were a mess. Big time.
Jay and I met 4 years ago. Let's just say that we do not intend to wait 2 years to start having hairless monkeys of our own. Mostly because I'll be 30 next year and I don't want to be like my grandmother and keep having babies until I'm 46. (Mostly because I'd like a shot at knowing my own grandchildren, eh?)
This pace has suited me just fine. In fact, when I hear about some of our friends who have been together a lot less time than Jay and I, I tend to have the "what? didn't they just meet?" reaction. Some examples: one friend (female) still dating several people in May of 2003. By July of 2003 is functionally moved in with one of these boys. Six months later, they are engaged. Two months later: married. Crazy. Another friend (male): starts dating girl with newborn last spring. three months later she is pregnant again. They are married by February and now have a baby girl together as well as one that "came with". Seriously crazy.
On the other end of the spectrum, Jay was in a wedding in 2003 for a couple who had been together for 9 years, engaged for 7. They went to college togther but then their grad school plans didn't mesh, so they lived separately for several years. My understanding is they want to start trying for kids in the next year or so. So that's the other side of the extremes I've witnessed.
Experiences? Comments? Boredom?
Thursday, June 16, 2005
More highlights
And I am totally going in to work for a couple hours tomorrow, despite the phlegm gagging thing. So bored here at home. Eyes tired from reading both online and off... and I have only so much tolerance for tv. Need some human interaction.
So the antibotics have completely reduced my bowels to water. Dirty water. Sick sick sick. Sorry for sharing. I'm not going to take the final day's worth. I need my bacteria back, dammit.
The tattoo on my wrist would actually look even better if I had reddish-brown skin. The IV bruise on my hand has drifted.
Jay was in the room when the tubes were YANKED. from. my. NOSE. Though he was very definitely staring down at his meteorology notes, his comments afterwards were roughly: "Oh no, didn't want to see it. Tried very hard not to look. But then he pulled that thing out and you... LAUGHED." :shudder: :shudder:
So... the women in my family tend to laugh hysterically under the influence of moderate pain. It's when we go dead silent that you have to worry.
And I am totally going in to work for a couple hours tomorrow, despite the phlegm gagging thing. So bored here at home. Eyes tired from reading both online and off... and I have only so much tolerance for tv. Need some human interaction.
So the antibotics have completely reduced my bowels to water. Dirty water. Sick sick sick. Sorry for sharing. I'm not going to take the final day's worth. I need my bacteria back, dammit.
The tattoo on my wrist would actually look even better if I had reddish-brown skin. The IV bruise on my hand has drifted.
Jay was in the room when the tubes were YANKED. from. my. NOSE. Though he was very definitely staring down at his meteorology notes, his comments afterwards were roughly: "Oh no, didn't want to see it. Tried very hard not to look. But then he pulled that thing out and you... LAUGHED." :shudder: :shudder:
So... the women in my family tend to laugh hysterically under the influence of moderate pain. It's when we go dead silent that you have to worry.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Hmmm
After having subsisted on mostly liquids and squishy foods for five days and being a bit wonky in general from the antibiotics and aftereffects of anesthesia, do not be surprised when your tummy ache presages wicked diarhea, Likewise, do not be startled by its flaming crimson color. Recall, instead, the remarkable staining power of the mighty beet. (Holy crap... no pun intended... freaked me out for a minute last night.)
Also, I would pay a lot to be able to blow my nose. But not until Saturday.... sigh. Gagging up bloody snot is losing its glamour somehow. Yeah. Somehow.
After having subsisted on mostly liquids and squishy foods for five days and being a bit wonky in general from the antibiotics and aftereffects of anesthesia, do not be surprised when your tummy ache presages wicked diarhea, Likewise, do not be startled by its flaming crimson color. Recall, instead, the remarkable staining power of the mighty beet. (Holy crap... no pun intended... freaked me out for a minute last night.)
Also, I would pay a lot to be able to blow my nose. But not until Saturday.... sigh. Gagging up bloody snot is losing its glamour somehow. Yeah. Somehow.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Recovering: and why I love Jay
I look kind of like I'm wearing a tribal mask at the moment... yes, I'll post pictures eventually. The area around my eyes is very yellow, with purple stripes starting near my eyebrows including two that look like Nike swooshes under both eyes. Most interesting are the two green - yes, GREEN - stripes falling from the corners of my nose down to my chin. Those, I'm fairly certain, are new as of today.
I also have a small trio of bruises on the inside of my right elbow and a spectacular capsule-shaped bruise about 3 inches long on my left hand from the IV. I miss the pretty turquoise color they were two days ago. Alas.
We just got home from the follow-up appointment. Dude. They had some nastyass TUBES up my nose. And they had to YANK. Them. OUT. Motherfucker. So gross.
But the nose looks good - healing well, straight but swollen on the outside, and the inside evidently looks even better than the doc had hoped. So that's all good. And some day I might be able to scrape the last of the adhesive from my pores... so unsexy.
So Jay was a total rockstar for this whole thing. Went with me to the hospital and waited until I went in for surgery. He was there when I woke up and I think I only told him to fuck off once when he asked me where on the pain scale I was. He filled my meds and drove me home and stayed with me for the next 24 hours - the first night he got up every 2 hours to check on me. Got up during the night for the next two nights as well. Also entertained my niece, going way above and beyond the call of duty to make sure she had a good visit. All of this is made more impressive by the fact that he's in the final crunch days before his PhD defense. What a guy.
He has emptied countless bags of bloody tissues and made sure I had things I could eat. Even homemade applesauce - my favorite! So between him and my mother, I was well taken care of during the last five days. I'm still sleeping on the couch to protect my nose for the rest of the week, but good things are in his future if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I'm doing okay. Still in a bit of pain and definitely weak from lack of sleep and lack of regular meals. But starting to feel human again. yay.
I look kind of like I'm wearing a tribal mask at the moment... yes, I'll post pictures eventually. The area around my eyes is very yellow, with purple stripes starting near my eyebrows including two that look like Nike swooshes under both eyes. Most interesting are the two green - yes, GREEN - stripes falling from the corners of my nose down to my chin. Those, I'm fairly certain, are new as of today.
I also have a small trio of bruises on the inside of my right elbow and a spectacular capsule-shaped bruise about 3 inches long on my left hand from the IV. I miss the pretty turquoise color they were two days ago. Alas.
We just got home from the follow-up appointment. Dude. They had some nastyass TUBES up my nose. And they had to YANK. Them. OUT. Motherfucker. So gross.
But the nose looks good - healing well, straight but swollen on the outside, and the inside evidently looks even better than the doc had hoped. So that's all good. And some day I might be able to scrape the last of the adhesive from my pores... so unsexy.
So Jay was a total rockstar for this whole thing. Went with me to the hospital and waited until I went in for surgery. He was there when I woke up and I think I only told him to fuck off once when he asked me where on the pain scale I was. He filled my meds and drove me home and stayed with me for the next 24 hours - the first night he got up every 2 hours to check on me. Got up during the night for the next two nights as well. Also entertained my niece, going way above and beyond the call of duty to make sure she had a good visit. All of this is made more impressive by the fact that he's in the final crunch days before his PhD defense. What a guy.
He has emptied countless bags of bloody tissues and made sure I had things I could eat. Even homemade applesauce - my favorite! So between him and my mother, I was well taken care of during the last five days. I'm still sleeping on the couch to protect my nose for the rest of the week, but good things are in his future if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I'm doing okay. Still in a bit of pain and definitely weak from lack of sleep and lack of regular meals. But starting to feel human again. yay.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Scheduled
Alrighty. I am officially scheduled to be at the hospital at 12:15pm tomorrow afternoon. This kind of sucks, because I'm not allowed to eat anything after midnight tonight. Hmm. However, in light of the fact that they aren't getting around to me until afternoon, I am graciously allowed to drink water or clear juice until 8am. Wow. Thoughtful, eh?
I am mostly not thinking about it. Because, truly, I have no idea what to expect and I suspect it might be better that way. Naturally, I've read everything I can find regarding the whole shebang, but everyone responds differently to these things. I've heard enough anecdotal evidence to figure that much out.
So we shall see. I might be offline for a few days. Then again... I might not. We shall see.
Alrighty. I am officially scheduled to be at the hospital at 12:15pm tomorrow afternoon. This kind of sucks, because I'm not allowed to eat anything after midnight tonight. Hmm. However, in light of the fact that they aren't getting around to me until afternoon, I am graciously allowed to drink water or clear juice until 8am. Wow. Thoughtful, eh?
I am mostly not thinking about it. Because, truly, I have no idea what to expect and I suspect it might be better that way. Naturally, I've read everything I can find regarding the whole shebang, but everyone responds differently to these things. I've heard enough anecdotal evidence to figure that much out.
So we shall see. I might be offline for a few days. Then again... I might not. We shall see.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Because while blowing off steam is well and good...
I don't want my pissy post to be the first thing I see when I come in. So really, there's no purpose to this post except to knock the other down a bit. I could delete, but I meant what I said when I said it, and... hey, whatever.
But now that I'm thinking of it...
I was a little bit disturbed at the phone call I got from my surgeon's assistant today. She called to ask if the cosmetic portion of the surgery was all we were doing on Thursday... and I'm like, Nooooooo, that's the secondary reason for my getting sliced up, thanks. I'm really more concerned with the whole "being-able-to-breathe" thing. And she quickly replied that in that case she would make sure to schedule that in.
???
Um. Surgery is THURSDAY. Shouldn't this have been scheduled weeks ago? Like when you called to confirm scheduling with me on May 3rd? Hmmm? The call I should have gotten today should have been from the scheduling people at the hospital to confirm my day, time, and procedure. Not reassuring. This better not get derailed. This week is really the only time I can do this this year. I'm not even sure if I will have health insurance as of August. And I have no idea how far I would have to travel in Vermont to get a similar set up. I'm guessing it would be farther than the 3 blocks I now live from the major medical center in the area... Just maybe. So maybe I should call back tomorrow and double check everything. I confess that I was so surprised by the nature of her call that I didn't clarify exactly what I am expecting to happen on Thursday. And the fact that she didn't seem to have any idea whether I had paid their $1500 or not rather unnerved me as well. Hmm.
Might be worth that call.
I don't want my pissy post to be the first thing I see when I come in. So really, there's no purpose to this post except to knock the other down a bit. I could delete, but I meant what I said when I said it, and... hey, whatever.
But now that I'm thinking of it...
I was a little bit disturbed at the phone call I got from my surgeon's assistant today. She called to ask if the cosmetic portion of the surgery was all we were doing on Thursday... and I'm like, Nooooooo, that's the secondary reason for my getting sliced up, thanks. I'm really more concerned with the whole "being-able-to-breathe" thing. And she quickly replied that in that case she would make sure to schedule that in.
???
Um. Surgery is THURSDAY. Shouldn't this have been scheduled weeks ago? Like when you called to confirm scheduling with me on May 3rd? Hmmm? The call I should have gotten today should have been from the scheduling people at the hospital to confirm my day, time, and procedure. Not reassuring. This better not get derailed. This week is really the only time I can do this this year. I'm not even sure if I will have health insurance as of August. And I have no idea how far I would have to travel in Vermont to get a similar set up. I'm guessing it would be farther than the 3 blocks I now live from the major medical center in the area... Just maybe. So maybe I should call back tomorrow and double check everything. I confess that I was so surprised by the nature of her call that I didn't clarify exactly what I am expecting to happen on Thursday. And the fact that she didn't seem to have any idea whether I had paid their $1500 or not rather unnerved me as well. Hmm.
Might be worth that call.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
A request is not to be met with an attack: or WHY I have a "bad" attitude right now.
Make a simple request... repeatedly. Well, nevermind.
Got a few more leads on education jobs, including one teaching English at Jay's college. Might be interesting. Probably wouldn't pay all that well, but definitely good experience. We shall see - the resume is sent.
Nita asked how did Jay and I meet... would you believe me if I said the Great and Powerful (and at the time FREE) Yahoo Personals? Sigh. Well, it would be true. Amazing what you can find online these days. The returns policy is a bit shaky though... grrrr.
I'm sorry. I'm abandoning three years of career building efforts to follow your sorry ass to Ice and Bug-filled Nowheresville. I expect to be treated like a fricking PRINCESS until I resettle. M'kay? I'm so glad we have that resolved. You asked if there was anything you could do to help me. I said only, "don't be an asshole this summer." Not a huge request, considering. You're not being very helpful at the moment. And as a helpful hint for future survival... never talk to me like I'm a five year old unless you INTEND to escalate the disagreement.
On another note... 5 more days until my facial rearrangement. I. Can't. Wait. woo.
Also - the US vs Costa Rica game was awesome. The Real Salt Lake vs FC Dallas sucked ass. I will never sit through a double-header again. Especially not when the second game is so blatently a waste of my time.
Damn, I'm in a pissy mood now. Thirty minutes ago, before Mr. Speed Walker decided to go Fundamentalist on my ass, I was having a good night. Funny how that works. I guess if I didn't care, I wouldn't be so irritated.
Make a simple request... repeatedly. Well, nevermind.
Got a few more leads on education jobs, including one teaching English at Jay's college. Might be interesting. Probably wouldn't pay all that well, but definitely good experience. We shall see - the resume is sent.
Nita asked how did Jay and I meet... would you believe me if I said the Great and Powerful (and at the time FREE) Yahoo Personals? Sigh. Well, it would be true. Amazing what you can find online these days. The returns policy is a bit shaky though... grrrr.
I'm sorry. I'm abandoning three years of career building efforts to follow your sorry ass to Ice and Bug-filled Nowheresville. I expect to be treated like a fricking PRINCESS until I resettle. M'kay? I'm so glad we have that resolved. You asked if there was anything you could do to help me. I said only, "don't be an asshole this summer." Not a huge request, considering. You're not being very helpful at the moment. And as a helpful hint for future survival... never talk to me like I'm a five year old unless you INTEND to escalate the disagreement.
On another note... 5 more days until my facial rearrangement. I. Can't. Wait. woo.
Also - the US vs Costa Rica game was awesome. The Real Salt Lake vs FC Dallas sucked ass. I will never sit through a double-header again. Especially not when the second game is so blatently a waste of my time.
Damn, I'm in a pissy mood now. Thirty minutes ago, before Mr. Speed Walker decided to go Fundamentalist on my ass, I was having a good night. Funny how that works. I guess if I didn't care, I wouldn't be so irritated.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
Mothers, mumbles, and mental illness
My mom and I have always had a weird sort of relationship. In many ways, I'm very like her. Not surprising, since I had to learn most of my bad habits somewhere, eh? But we definitely don't have the kind of mother-daughter relationship that I see in my friends families, or even in between my sisters and my mother.
I think it has a lot to do with me being the oldest child in the family, and with the fact that my father is nearly 16 years older than my mother, and that he used to be a rather extreme functional alcoholic. So I was more partner than child to my mom, especially after my baby sisters were born. And not to put any pressure on me (:cough cough:) my mother likes to tell the story of one night when I was 11 and my father had been on a particular rampage, how I came to her after he'd stomped off to bed and hugged her and told her that I was sorry Daddy was being so mean and that it just wasn't fair. She credits this comment with making her realize that he wasn't treating her fairly and that she didn't just have to sit there and take it just because they were married. To her credit, she was barely 33 at the time and had been married to my dad for 13 years. (Sometimes it blows me away to realize that my mother already had three kids at my age.)
So while my mom was on her path of self-discovery... just another reason I've never been in a rush to get married... and also busy raising young babies, I pretty much got to raise myself. I never had help with school projects because my mom didn't realize that she was supposed to (or perhaps, allowed to) help me. We never talked about girly stuff, because I had already read enough in books and elsewhere to know more than she could tell me when she finally got around to trying.
I don't really know how she feels about this, but I've realized that I carry a certain resentment for my absentee parenting experience. And perhaps I know it isn't fair, but her occasional flares of guilt only make me angrier. I've said before, I don't have much use for guilt. If it's something you'll feel guilty about, either act so as to avoid the guilt or just accept the mistake and move on. I know that she did the best she could with what she had to work with at the time. What is harder to forgive is all the times that I was feeling good about myself and she found cause to remind me that I wasn't as great as I thought. I think she views it as keeping me humble. I view it as Catholic backwash.
I also know, looking back, that I was a very compartmentalized kid. I had my family life, my gymnastics life, and my school life. Later, I lost the gymnastics life after my back injury, and was pretty much off-balance for the next five years or so. Rarely did I allowed any of them to mix. I didn't date in high school, because from my observations, dating made my friends stupid and unreliable. Not to mention emotional and overwrought. I know that most of them considered me cold and unhappy. I probably was.
I like to think that I've worked out most of these lingering neuroses over the last decade. At a wedding of one of my oldest and dearest friends in January of 2003 (Hey, Dev!) one of our other friends from high school remarked that he'd never seen me look so happy... or happy at all... "glowing" was the word he used. I think that was when I realized how deeply depressed I had been for so long. And even then I wasn't completely out from under it. Summer 2003 was my rock bottom crash.
Depression runs in the family on both sides, along with bipolar disorder... is it any wonder I've struggled? One of my mother's brothers has gone through many long stretches of dark despair, yet refuses to seek medical help for the problem. He claims that studies have shown that taking those drugs permanently alters the structures in your brain. Well, isn't that the POINT? I clearly had something wrong with me - something that I couldn't fix by "toughing it out". I asked for help - finally - and as a result spent four months taking Wellbutrin SR. The change was amazing and immediate. I could smile, I could think, I had energy and desire again. And after four months when I stopped taking it, I still felt better than I had ever felt, mentally and emotionally. So, yeah, I'll buy that those drugs can alter your brain structure. But I'm not sure that isn't a good thing.
Anyway. I have a short story to write for the Writing Monkey's current contest.
My mom and I have always had a weird sort of relationship. In many ways, I'm very like her. Not surprising, since I had to learn most of my bad habits somewhere, eh? But we definitely don't have the kind of mother-daughter relationship that I see in my friends families, or even in between my sisters and my mother.
I think it has a lot to do with me being the oldest child in the family, and with the fact that my father is nearly 16 years older than my mother, and that he used to be a rather extreme functional alcoholic. So I was more partner than child to my mom, especially after my baby sisters were born. And not to put any pressure on me (:cough cough:) my mother likes to tell the story of one night when I was 11 and my father had been on a particular rampage, how I came to her after he'd stomped off to bed and hugged her and told her that I was sorry Daddy was being so mean and that it just wasn't fair. She credits this comment with making her realize that he wasn't treating her fairly and that she didn't just have to sit there and take it just because they were married. To her credit, she was barely 33 at the time and had been married to my dad for 13 years. (Sometimes it blows me away to realize that my mother already had three kids at my age.)
So while my mom was on her path of self-discovery... just another reason I've never been in a rush to get married... and also busy raising young babies, I pretty much got to raise myself. I never had help with school projects because my mom didn't realize that she was supposed to (or perhaps, allowed to) help me. We never talked about girly stuff, because I had already read enough in books and elsewhere to know more than she could tell me when she finally got around to trying.
I don't really know how she feels about this, but I've realized that I carry a certain resentment for my absentee parenting experience. And perhaps I know it isn't fair, but her occasional flares of guilt only make me angrier. I've said before, I don't have much use for guilt. If it's something you'll feel guilty about, either act so as to avoid the guilt or just accept the mistake and move on. I know that she did the best she could with what she had to work with at the time. What is harder to forgive is all the times that I was feeling good about myself and she found cause to remind me that I wasn't as great as I thought. I think she views it as keeping me humble. I view it as Catholic backwash.
I also know, looking back, that I was a very compartmentalized kid. I had my family life, my gymnastics life, and my school life. Later, I lost the gymnastics life after my back injury, and was pretty much off-balance for the next five years or so. Rarely did I allowed any of them to mix. I didn't date in high school, because from my observations, dating made my friends stupid and unreliable. Not to mention emotional and overwrought. I know that most of them considered me cold and unhappy. I probably was.
I like to think that I've worked out most of these lingering neuroses over the last decade. At a wedding of one of my oldest and dearest friends in January of 2003 (Hey, Dev!) one of our other friends from high school remarked that he'd never seen me look so happy... or happy at all... "glowing" was the word he used. I think that was when I realized how deeply depressed I had been for so long. And even then I wasn't completely out from under it. Summer 2003 was my rock bottom crash.
Depression runs in the family on both sides, along with bipolar disorder... is it any wonder I've struggled? One of my mother's brothers has gone through many long stretches of dark despair, yet refuses to seek medical help for the problem. He claims that studies have shown that taking those drugs permanently alters the structures in your brain. Well, isn't that the POINT? I clearly had something wrong with me - something that I couldn't fix by "toughing it out". I asked for help - finally - and as a result spent four months taking Wellbutrin SR. The change was amazing and immediate. I could smile, I could think, I had energy and desire again. And after four months when I stopped taking it, I still felt better than I had ever felt, mentally and emotionally. So, yeah, I'll buy that those drugs can alter your brain structure. But I'm not sure that isn't a good thing.
Anyway. I have a short story to write for the Writing Monkey's current contest.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
It's not that I have a lot to say. I just don't have much to do.
Mellow day today. Tutoring center cancelled because all the kids called in... or rather, their parents did. So sad... this means I get a three day weekend just like all the bozos who work for the government. Heh.
For the record, I would like to state that I did go for a nice walk this afternoon. And this morning I bought groceries that we needed. And I wasn't completely wasting my time on line between those two spurts of productivity. Only mostly. Heh. I also would have taken a longer walk this afternoon, except someone asked me if I wanted to go to the Real (Ray-al) Salt Lake game tonight and I said yes... but said someone has not returned home and said game has just begun. So.
Also, oddly, in the last few days I have become convinced that the private school job is not happening for me. And I'm okay with that. Granted, if it did happen, I would be okay with that, too. But it would be a huge time commitment and I think maybe I don't mind treating this like a chance to explore something new instead of the crushing of my current career path.
Maybe I could even focus more time on my creative stuff if I went back to having a job that was just a job. If that makes sense. Maybe take a class or two, even. Though, where I would do that, I'm not really sure.
Anyway... I'm feeling much more zen about the whole enterprise.
Mellow day today. Tutoring center cancelled because all the kids called in... or rather, their parents did. So sad... this means I get a three day weekend just like all the bozos who work for the government. Heh.
For the record, I would like to state that I did go for a nice walk this afternoon. And this morning I bought groceries that we needed. And I wasn't completely wasting my time on line between those two spurts of productivity. Only mostly. Heh. I also would have taken a longer walk this afternoon, except someone asked me if I wanted to go to the Real (Ray-al) Salt Lake game tonight and I said yes... but said someone has not returned home and said game has just begun. So.
Also, oddly, in the last few days I have become convinced that the private school job is not happening for me. And I'm okay with that. Granted, if it did happen, I would be okay with that, too. But it would be a huge time commitment and I think maybe I don't mind treating this like a chance to explore something new instead of the crushing of my current career path.
Maybe I could even focus more time on my creative stuff if I went back to having a job that was just a job. If that makes sense. Maybe take a class or two, even. Though, where I would do that, I'm not really sure.
Anyway... I'm feeling much more zen about the whole enterprise.
Look at Me!Me! (or what I thought a meme was before I stood corrected)
According to Emerald/Matt, I am "it". So here it be. Apologies for any mistakes in author names or titles. I am just too damn indifferent to search my shelves/floor/tables/backpack for the accurate info.
TOTAL NUMBER OF BOOKS I OWN:
No idea. After multiple moves in recent years, currently living in a city with a kickass public library, and being mostly broke for several years, my book buying/owning/transporting fetish has subsided. I'll buy it if I want to travel with it (aka: airplane reading), or if the waiting list at the library is over 100 and I don't feel like being patient, or if the library doesn't have it at all.
That said, I know there are easily 500 books in the house. Not looking forward to packing those. Might donate some of the paperbacks that I will never read again to the library - that's where most of their paperback collection has come from.
LAST BOOKS I BOUGHT:
- Laurell K. Hamilton - A Stroke of Midnight... (yeah, so I enjoy kinky porn disguised as contemporary fantasy, sue me.)
- Lian Hearn - Grass for his Pillow (book 2 of the Otori series)
- Kelly Armstrong - Bitten, Taken, Dime Store Magic, and Industrial Magic. (The Library has not discovered her books yet and I didn't feel like waiting.)
ON THE TO BUY LIST:
- None. Though I will probably pick up Holly Lisle's new books when they come out, as well as Tamara Siler Jones's, Wen Spencer's, and Kelly Armstrong's.
LAST BOOKS I READ:
- Age of Unreason trilogy by J. Gregory Keyes.
- The Nightingale Floor by Lian Hearn
- Dead Witch Walking by Kim Harrison
- Rough Justice by Lisa Scottoline
FIVE INFLUENTIAL BOOKS:
- Uh... I'm actually not sure how to fill this category. Everything I read has influenced me to some extent, but I've never been one to have idols or heroes, or even to think that if something worked for another writer that it would necessarily work for me, too. So the most honest answer I could give would either be: "every book I have ever read" or "no book in particular"
However, these three things immediately sprang to mind...
- Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. Generally, I think OSC's an ass, but I love this book and have reread it dozens of times. Influential because... well, despite its flaws, I love the story and the problems and the brilliant quotable one-liners.
- Diana Gabaldon's Outlander books because they pretty much prove that if you tell a good story with interesting characters, you can break any other "rule" you want.
- The course listings at my alma mater. I had fun learning shtuff there... so many possibilities.
AND:
Since I'm not sure if I know anyone (who actually READS) who has not already done this, I will open it to my (small, but beloved) audience. Give it a go if you've got nothing else to write about. :grin:
According to Emerald/Matt, I am "it". So here it be. Apologies for any mistakes in author names or titles. I am just too damn indifferent to search my shelves/floor/tables/backpack for the accurate info.
TOTAL NUMBER OF BOOKS I OWN:
No idea. After multiple moves in recent years, currently living in a city with a kickass public library, and being mostly broke for several years, my book buying/owning/transporting fetish has subsided. I'll buy it if I want to travel with it (aka: airplane reading), or if the waiting list at the library is over 100 and I don't feel like being patient, or if the library doesn't have it at all.
That said, I know there are easily 500 books in the house. Not looking forward to packing those. Might donate some of the paperbacks that I will never read again to the library - that's where most of their paperback collection has come from.
LAST BOOKS I BOUGHT:
- Laurell K. Hamilton - A Stroke of Midnight... (yeah, so I enjoy kinky porn disguised as contemporary fantasy, sue me.)
- Lian Hearn - Grass for his Pillow (book 2 of the Otori series)
- Kelly Armstrong - Bitten, Taken, Dime Store Magic, and Industrial Magic. (The Library has not discovered her books yet and I didn't feel like waiting.)
ON THE TO BUY LIST:
- None. Though I will probably pick up Holly Lisle's new books when they come out, as well as Tamara Siler Jones's, Wen Spencer's, and Kelly Armstrong's.
LAST BOOKS I READ:
- Age of Unreason trilogy by J. Gregory Keyes.
- The Nightingale Floor by Lian Hearn
- Dead Witch Walking by Kim Harrison
- Rough Justice by Lisa Scottoline
FIVE INFLUENTIAL BOOKS:
- Uh... I'm actually not sure how to fill this category. Everything I read has influenced me to some extent, but I've never been one to have idols or heroes, or even to think that if something worked for another writer that it would necessarily work for me, too. So the most honest answer I could give would either be: "every book I have ever read" or "no book in particular"
However, these three things immediately sprang to mind...
- Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. Generally, I think OSC's an ass, but I love this book and have reread it dozens of times. Influential because... well, despite its flaws, I love the story and the problems and the brilliant quotable one-liners.
- Diana Gabaldon's Outlander books because they pretty much prove that if you tell a good story with interesting characters, you can break any other "rule" you want.
- The course listings at my alma mater. I had fun learning shtuff there... so many possibilities.
AND:
Since I'm not sure if I know anyone (who actually READS) who has not already done this, I will open it to my (small, but beloved) audience. Give it a go if you've got nothing else to write about. :grin:
Friday, May 27, 2005
Survival Tips
1. Why, yes, that red light does apply to you, Mr. SUV driver.
2. Crossing a busy street when many cars are waiting to make a turn is not the best time to stop and point out local landmarks to your visiting friends. Wait until you reach the sidewalk, or don't leave the safety of the first one. You have been warned.
3. Don't pretend that your visit is solely to help me out and then bring my hyperactive half-niece with you. If you want a few days away, great. But let's be realistic.
4. When I say not to hit me in the morning - no, not even with your version of a love tap - then fucking cut it out. The correct response is not to ask what died up my ass and tell me that you hope I shit it out soon. The correct response would be: Sorry, I won't do it again. Even if we know that you will, in fact, do it again.
1. Why, yes, that red light does apply to you, Mr. SUV driver.
2. Crossing a busy street when many cars are waiting to make a turn is not the best time to stop and point out local landmarks to your visiting friends. Wait until you reach the sidewalk, or don't leave the safety of the first one. You have been warned.
3. Don't pretend that your visit is solely to help me out and then bring my hyperactive half-niece with you. If you want a few days away, great. But let's be realistic.
4. When I say not to hit me in the morning - no, not even with your version of a love tap - then fucking cut it out. The correct response is not to ask what died up my ass and tell me that you hope I shit it out soon. The correct response would be: Sorry, I won't do it again. Even if we know that you will, in fact, do it again.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
This 'n' That
So, I'm still waiting. La dee da dee da. Sigh.
My surgery (septorhinoplasty with turbinate reduction) is coming up quickly - just 16 more days. I'm a little weirded out by that, since I've never had surgery of any kind before, unless you count stitches in my gashed up arm when I was 8... and I don't count that. But hopefully, after the misery of healing is done, I will be able to breathe through my nose in ways I have only dreamed of before now. That and it will be straighter, I guess.
I haven't been writing jack since March though... somehow trying to imagine what my life is going to be like next year is much more interesting than leading characters through twists and turns on the page. Been doing a little painting - finished up the bookshelf and made a nice big mirror. But I don't want to keep going, because anything I make, we are going to have to transport to Vermont. Better to wait until we are there. Mostly just been doing a lot of escapist reading.
Two of my Utah Writing Monkey crew happen to own/operate a POD (print on demand) publisher and further more happen to be the ones who handles Daniel Keys Moran's work. I discovered his writing when I was still in high school and have managed to collect several of his early books - the ones printed before he broke his contract with Big Publishing House. I like his characters and think he view of the future is interesting, if unlikely. He's the author of some of my favorite quotes.
But my friends have told me that he's a wee bit eccentric, and seeing the book they just gave me as a going away present, I believe them. He did everything himself - would not even let them supply the basic proofreading for typos - including choosing the cover... blue background, blue writing... While clearly talented, I think he's one of the authors that I've always been warned not to be. I haven't read the book yet - The Long Run - but we shall see what egomania has wrought.
Also, I usually don't bring cookies and shtuff like that home... usually I'll take it to school and leave it in my filing cabinet for when I want a snack... but this time, I figured maybe Jay learned something from the conversation that we had regarding nagging and eating habits (since it did include charts and graphs and whathaveyou). It appears not. If he calls me "Cookie Monster" one more time, he might be searching his abdominal cavity for the family jewels, of you know what I mean.
Love you, sweetie. (Or should that be "salty"?) Just don't make me have to open a can of WhoopAss on you.
So, I'm still waiting. La dee da dee da. Sigh.
My surgery (septorhinoplasty with turbinate reduction) is coming up quickly - just 16 more days. I'm a little weirded out by that, since I've never had surgery of any kind before, unless you count stitches in my gashed up arm when I was 8... and I don't count that. But hopefully, after the misery of healing is done, I will be able to breathe through my nose in ways I have only dreamed of before now. That and it will be straighter, I guess.
I haven't been writing jack since March though... somehow trying to imagine what my life is going to be like next year is much more interesting than leading characters through twists and turns on the page. Been doing a little painting - finished up the bookshelf and made a nice big mirror. But I don't want to keep going, because anything I make, we are going to have to transport to Vermont. Better to wait until we are there. Mostly just been doing a lot of escapist reading.
Two of my Utah Writing Monkey crew happen to own/operate a POD (print on demand) publisher and further more happen to be the ones who handles Daniel Keys Moran's work. I discovered his writing when I was still in high school and have managed to collect several of his early books - the ones printed before he broke his contract with Big Publishing House. I like his characters and think he view of the future is interesting, if unlikely. He's the author of some of my favorite quotes.
But my friends have told me that he's a wee bit eccentric, and seeing the book they just gave me as a going away present, I believe them. He did everything himself - would not even let them supply the basic proofreading for typos - including choosing the cover... blue background, blue writing... While clearly talented, I think he's one of the authors that I've always been warned not to be. I haven't read the book yet - The Long Run - but we shall see what egomania has wrought.
Also, I usually don't bring cookies and shtuff like that home... usually I'll take it to school and leave it in my filing cabinet for when I want a snack... but this time, I figured maybe Jay learned something from the conversation that we had regarding nagging and eating habits (since it did include charts and graphs and whathaveyou). It appears not. If he calls me "Cookie Monster" one more time, he might be searching his abdominal cavity for the family jewels, of you know what I mean.
Love you, sweetie. (Or should that be "salty"?) Just don't make me have to open a can of WhoopAss on you.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Kill me
This waiting thing is killing me. I put off updating beacuse I was supposed to know about the job in Vermont today. Instead I got an email that they are still discussing the options for next year's faculty and will get back to me very soon. Aaaagh!
Updates on the prom - not a big deal, just chaperoning, didn't even bother to really dress up, just wore black slacks and a black and wine top. Felt strangely guilty after the prom court was announced... I hate to see girls cry over shtuff that doesn't really matter. As I said to Molly, "Didn't we used to make fun of Prom Queens?"
One observation: the people back east are generally much bigger than the people out west. So I felt pretty good about myself in that respect. On my tours of the school campus, I was the only one not gasping for breath going up and down stairs and hills. Of course, I did have the advantage of living at 4500 feet and being down around 1000 ft during the visit.
But seriously, I just don't know if I can be happy in Vermont without a real job to look forward to. I refuse to go back to hospitality type work. My mental health is more important than $8/hour, or whatever the going rate is back there. If I don't get this job, I think I will just sit down and cry. Which really sucks, because this whole Vermont thing is just Jay's dreamlife made real. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
This waiting thing is killing me. I put off updating beacuse I was supposed to know about the job in Vermont today. Instead I got an email that they are still discussing the options for next year's faculty and will get back to me very soon. Aaaagh!
Updates on the prom - not a big deal, just chaperoning, didn't even bother to really dress up, just wore black slacks and a black and wine top. Felt strangely guilty after the prom court was announced... I hate to see girls cry over shtuff that doesn't really matter. As I said to Molly, "Didn't we used to make fun of Prom Queens?"
One observation: the people back east are generally much bigger than the people out west. So I felt pretty good about myself in that respect. On my tours of the school campus, I was the only one not gasping for breath going up and down stairs and hills. Of course, I did have the advantage of living at 4500 feet and being down around 1000 ft during the visit.
But seriously, I just don't know if I can be happy in Vermont without a real job to look forward to. I refuse to go back to hospitality type work. My mental health is more important than $8/hour, or whatever the going rate is back there. If I don't get this job, I think I will just sit down and cry. Which really sucks, because this whole Vermont thing is just Jay's dreamlife made real. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Monday, May 09, 2005
Very Sad... but onwards I go
For some reason, I am blocked from three of my most often read sites. I don't know if it's my server being bitchy or if they've had problems with other people on the comcast server or if they've just taken their sites private. In any case, I am very sad.
However, I have lots of other procrastination tools at hand... so perhaps I should just get on with my life, eh?
Other than that.... I leave for Vermont around midnight on Wednesday. Just treading water until I leave. Honestly, I have no idea how this is going to go. But on the bright side, I finally got in touch with my weeneresque former roommate. She hadn't opened the card I sent. She's got her bills on automatic pay and hadn't bothered to check her mail for the last three weeks because she's in the middle of grading term projects. She fully admits to being a weenerhead doodyface - she so is! So I'm probably going to the Windsor High Prom on Saturday with Ms. Prom Advisor. You know you're jealous.
For some reason, I am blocked from three of my most often read sites. I don't know if it's my server being bitchy or if they've had problems with other people on the comcast server or if they've just taken their sites private. In any case, I am very sad.
However, I have lots of other procrastination tools at hand... so perhaps I should just get on with my life, eh?
Other than that.... I leave for Vermont around midnight on Wednesday. Just treading water until I leave. Honestly, I have no idea how this is going to go. But on the bright side, I finally got in touch with my weeneresque former roommate. She hadn't opened the card I sent. She's got her bills on automatic pay and hadn't bothered to check her mail for the last three weeks because she's in the middle of grading term projects. She fully admits to being a weenerhead doodyface - she so is! So I'm probably going to the Windsor High Prom on Saturday with Ms. Prom Advisor. You know you're jealous.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Addressing Inequities
Jay (to friends): Yeah, so after we get married we'll just start popping them out...
Me: Popping them out... What's this "we", white man?
Jay: Um, it does take two people, you know.
Me: No, I believe that you get the "popping in" job while I get stuck with the "popping out". Want to trade?
Jay: : errrrr.
Me: (trying not to laugh) Good thing you're so cute.
Jay (to friends): Yeah, so after we get married we'll just start popping them out...
Me: Popping them out... What's this "we", white man?
Jay: Um, it does take two people, you know.
Me: No, I believe that you get the "popping in" job while I get stuck with the "popping out". Want to trade?
Jay: : errrrr.
Me: (trying not to laugh) Good thing you're so cute.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
when paranoia takes over
Alternative title: mind games you can play alone.
So lately I've been going around in circles... annoyance to guilt to worry to embarrassment to irritation to guilt to... well anyway. I'm not a person who does the guilt thing very well anyway. Generally, I don't second guess myself very often, thereby avoiding that foolish trip down guilt road.
See, this getting married thing must be messing with my head. That's the only explanation. It doesn't seem to matter that most of the people I've told have been effusive... even frighteningly effusive... in their excitement upon hearing the news. But a few people I considered good friends haven't said a word. Nada. Nothing. Not even an acknowledgement that they received my email or card. Bottom line, that's just kind of rude, neh? How hard is it to reply to an email?
But I can't seem to help thinking: "What did I do to piss you off? Why don't you care enough to say congrats?" And then I come up with a laundry list of things I wish I had done differently with/around them. AND I KNOW this is futile. I know that the problem probably has less to do with me and much more to do with them being busy or lazy about correspondance or whatnot. SO THEN I feel like an egomaniac for thinking that it IS about something that I did. Are you with me? Total head trip. I must stop.
This silly drama is probably exacerbated by the fact that I emailed an old friend from college around New Year's after I noticed that, according to our alumni directory, his address had changed. Just a friendly, hey, how ya doing, noticed that you've moved and how funny because we're thinking about moving back east, too, kind of note. So I had some other addresses to look up the other day, and I plugged in his name out of curiosity and found that he had requested that the college not give out his information anymore. Slap. Well, at least I know he got my email...
Now I get to try a couple possible phone numbers for my former college roommate who I had hoped to see/stay with in Vermont while I'm there over the weekend of the 13th-15th. I'm pretty sure she's still alive because I got a birthday card from her in March...
No wonder I contemplate becoming a hermit somedays. Sigh.
Alternative title: mind games you can play alone.
So lately I've been going around in circles... annoyance to guilt to worry to embarrassment to irritation to guilt to... well anyway. I'm not a person who does the guilt thing very well anyway. Generally, I don't second guess myself very often, thereby avoiding that foolish trip down guilt road.
See, this getting married thing must be messing with my head. That's the only explanation. It doesn't seem to matter that most of the people I've told have been effusive... even frighteningly effusive... in their excitement upon hearing the news. But a few people I considered good friends haven't said a word. Nada. Nothing. Not even an acknowledgement that they received my email or card. Bottom line, that's just kind of rude, neh? How hard is it to reply to an email?
But I can't seem to help thinking: "What did I do to piss you off? Why don't you care enough to say congrats?" And then I come up with a laundry list of things I wish I had done differently with/around them. AND I KNOW this is futile. I know that the problem probably has less to do with me and much more to do with them being busy or lazy about correspondance or whatnot. SO THEN I feel like an egomaniac for thinking that it IS about something that I did. Are you with me? Total head trip. I must stop.
This silly drama is probably exacerbated by the fact that I emailed an old friend from college around New Year's after I noticed that, according to our alumni directory, his address had changed. Just a friendly, hey, how ya doing, noticed that you've moved and how funny because we're thinking about moving back east, too, kind of note. So I had some other addresses to look up the other day, and I plugged in his name out of curiosity and found that he had requested that the college not give out his information anymore. Slap. Well, at least I know he got my email...
Now I get to try a couple possible phone numbers for my former college roommate who I had hoped to see/stay with in Vermont while I'm there over the weekend of the 13th-15th. I'm pretty sure she's still alive because I got a birthday card from her in March...
No wonder I contemplate becoming a hermit somedays. Sigh.
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