Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Paralysis with Insomnia

I know I'm never going to sleep tonight until I hash this out. I just finished a book Waltzing the Cat by Pam Houston, and that may be what set me off. Or maybe I was already off and that just brought it to my attention. I dunno. The character in the series of stories is like I would have been had I not met Jay here in Salt Lake.

I love him to death. It hurts to think about not being with him and honestly, he is at least a thousand times better than any other guy I have ever been with. And then there are the nights like this. Or maybe that should be the weeks like this.

Weeks when all I can think of is how much I want to go online and find some meaningless job in some breathtaking place where I can breathe and think and be creative without the cares of someone I love to make me feel self-conscious.

Sometimes choosing to be happy here is so hard.

I feel like my options are closing down with every choice I make, and yet I know that every choice also opens up options that didn't exist before. But sometimes I don't know what I want more -- love and family and a settled down sort of life, or adventure and creativity and the aloneness that sometimes come with that.

I think maybe that lately I've been too accepting of criticisms. I've forgotten that I don't really care if people think I'm rude because I don't want to play "let's say goodbye 14 times" before we actually leave. I've let myself believe I don't like to do some things just because I don't like to do those things in the same way that other people do. I think maybe I've lost sight just a little of who I am and what I need to be happy. So much so, that I can't think of what those things might be right now. I don't like that feeling.

So after Thursday night's class I'll be packing up the cooler and going to bed early so I can make an early start of it on Friday. Head up to Wyoming - Jackson Hole and the Grand Tetons. Might go as far as Yellowstone, but I don't think so. Take my journal and my sketchbook and my library books and see if I can't get myself straightened out.

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