So I've been really pissy with Jay lately and I haven't really understood why I'm so irritated with him. Yeah, with me not working right now we're just seeing a lot more of each other, and that takes some adjustment... but it's more than that. So what is it?
Now that I don't have the distractions of hating my job, I realize how stuck I feel here. Like, if it were only me I had to consider, I would totally be in the car heading either down to AZ or back the hell East. But I'm tied here because Jay has three more years until he finishes his PhD. Mind you, staying with him here was not even a choice I had to consider twice. I think, very simply, that he is stuck with me for a very very very long long long time.
So pretty much, I'm going to have to find a way to get over this. I mean, when I get pissy and start bitching about how everything in our lives is about him, I think I need to take a step back and explain that us being in Utah is about him. That, yes, I chose to be here. So, no, I don't have a right to complain. But unfortunately, we can't always control how we feel and if I let this resentment keep building it's going to seriously f**k us up. And that would be very very very baaaad.
Solutions? Hmmm. I think I need to build more of a life here for myself besides Jay and school. I need friends who are my friends first, instead of a bunch of people who I like but who knew me as Jay's girlfriend before they knew my name. I need to do more than read and study and work out and eat and sleep. I'm restless and I'm starting to bore myself.
However, I have gotten in some quality reading time. Wanna see?
In the last week:
J.D. Robb - Naked in Death, Glory in Death, and Immortal in Death
Jennifer Crusie - Manhunting and Welcome to Temptation
Holly Lisle - The Wreck of Heaven
Katherine Neville - The Eight
Laurell K. Hamilton - Caress of Twilight
In the two weeks before that, I'd gotten through:
Dan Simmons's Hyperion Series, Barbara Kingsolver's Prodigal Summer, Jennifer Crusie's Fast Women, and Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum novels 1 through 5. Those I read toally out of order, of course - picked up the newest one Hard Eight and worked my way backwards from there. Grandma cracks me up.
So I think I need to cut back on the reading and start paying attention to the world around me again. Just maybe.