Survival Tips

1. Why, yes, that red light does apply to you, Mr. SUV driver.

2. Crossing a busy street when many cars are waiting to make a turn is not the best time to stop and point out local landmarks to your visiting friends. Wait until you reach the sidewalk, or don't leave the safety of the first one. You have been warned.

3. Don't pretend that your visit is solely to help me out and then bring my hyperactive half-niece with you. If you want a few days away, great. But let's be realistic.

4. When I say not to hit me in the morning - no, not even with your version of a love tap - then fucking cut it out. The correct response is not to ask what died up my ass and tell me that you hope I shit it out soon. The correct response would be: Sorry, I won't do it again. Even if we know that you will, in fact, do it again.