Sunday, May 01, 2005

when paranoia takes over

Alternative title: mind games you can play alone.

So lately I've been going around in circles... annoyance to guilt to worry to embarrassment to irritation to guilt to... well anyway. I'm not a person who does the guilt thing very well anyway. Generally, I don't second guess myself very often, thereby avoiding that foolish trip down guilt road.

See, this getting married thing must be messing with my head. That's the only explanation. It doesn't seem to matter that most of the people I've told have been effusive... even frighteningly effusive... in their excitement upon hearing the news. But a few people I considered good friends haven't said a word. Nada. Nothing. Not even an acknowledgement that they received my email or card. Bottom line, that's just kind of rude, neh? How hard is it to reply to an email?

But I can't seem to help thinking: "What did I do to piss you off? Why don't you care enough to say congrats?" And then I come up with a laundry list of things I wish I had done differently with/around them. AND I KNOW this is futile. I know that the problem probably has less to do with me and much more to do with them being busy or lazy about correspondance or whatnot. SO THEN I feel like an egomaniac for thinking that it IS about something that I did. Are you with me? Total head trip. I must stop.

This silly drama is probably exacerbated by the fact that I emailed an old friend from college around New Year's after I noticed that, according to our alumni directory, his address had changed. Just a friendly, hey, how ya doing, noticed that you've moved and how funny because we're thinking about moving back east, too, kind of note. So I had some other addresses to look up the other day, and I plugged in his name out of curiosity and found that he had requested that the college not give out his information anymore. Slap. Well, at least I know he got my email...

Now I get to try a couple possible phone numbers for my former college roommate who I had hoped to see/stay with in Vermont while I'm there over the weekend of the 13th-15th. I'm pretty sure she's still alive because I got a birthday card from her in March...

No wonder I contemplate becoming a hermit somedays. Sigh.

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